My Grandchildren Will Not Get Up

They come on Saturday and by ten past one they are in a row on the couch.

You love having them. That is not in question. The house is better when they are in it and quieter than you would like when they go.

And they are on that couch from about one until they leave, and in between they eat, and at some point somebody puts something on, and the afternoon happens without anybody standing up.

Now here is your particular difficulty, which is different from every other article on this site.

You are not their father. You have no authority here and you do not want any.

If you say anything, even lightly, even as a joke, three things happen at once. Your daughter hears a criticism of her parenting. The children hear a rule from somebody who does not make rules for them. And you become the grandfather who comments, which is the one thing you promised yourself you would never be.

So you say nothing, every Saturday, and you have been saying nothing for about two years, and the not saying has quietly become a kind of resignation.

I want to show you what you actually have, because it is not nothing, and it is a thing their own parents genuinely cannot do.

Shewing to the generation to come

There is a line in the psalms about how one generation hands something to another, and the mechanism named is not instruction.

We will not hide them from their children, shewing to the generation to come the praises of the LORD, and his strength, and his wonderful works that he hath done. (Psalm 78:4, King James Version)

We will not hide them from their children, showing to the generation to come the praises of the LORD, and his strength, and his wonderful works.

Showing. Not telling, not requiring, not arranging. Showing.

You have a verb here that costs nobody any authority, and Psalm 78:4 has never once made the passing on of a thing depend on being obeyed. The word is showing, and the Holy Spirit is the one who carries something across a generation without a single instruction being issued.

You are able to feel how well that fits your exact position. Showing needs no permission. It does not tread on anybody's parenting. It cannot be declined, because nothing has been asked.

And look at the range of the sentence. To the generation to come. Not to my children. Past them, to the next one, which is precisely the distance a grandfather stands at.

The psalm assumes the long throw. It assumes somebody handing something two generations forward, which is a thing only an old person can do and which no parent in the middle of the work has the vantage point for.

You are standing at the exact distance the psalm is describing, and having no authority in that house has never once disqualified you from the one job it names. The Spirit of God is the one who moves something from an old man to a child without going through anybody, and Psalm 78:4 gives the whole task to showing.

What a grandparent has that a parent does not

Here is the thing worth understanding, and it will change what you do at half past two.

A parent cannot be watched neutrally. A grandparent can.

You have a kind of visibility that nobody else in that house possesses, and being outside the chain of command has never once made you irrelevant to those children. It is written that we show the generation to come, and the Holy Spirit is the one who does the work of a grandparent without a word being spoken.

When their father goes outside, every child in that room reads it as a possible summons. Any minute now there will be a suggestion. The whole thing is loaded before he reaches the door.

When the grandfather goes outside, nothing is loaded at all. He is doing whatever it is that grandfathers do. Nobody has to brace for anything, because there is no possible way it turns into a rule.

Which means you are the only adult in that house who can be watched without suspicion, and being watched without suspicion is the rarest and most useful thing available in a room with three children in it.

You have never once needed authority to be interesting to a nine year old, and going out of that door has never once required anybody's agreement. The Spirit of God is the one who draws a child out of a room, and Psalm 78:4 puts the showing in front of the generation to come rather than the instructing.

Go out on your own and say nothing

So here is the assignment, and the discipline is severe and short.

Go outside on your own at their house, do something visible for ten minutes, and go back in without a word about it.

You are able to be seen without being heard, and doing a thing where they can see it has never once been the same as asking them to do it. It is written that we will not hide them from their children, and the Holy Spirit is the one who is present with an old man walking a path on a Saturday afternoon.

Something visible. Not a walk down the street where they cannot see. In the yard, on the path, in the front, wherever the window is. Slowly, at whatever speed is yours now, for about ten minutes.

Take something with you if there is something, and if one of them comes out and does it alongside you, so much the better. Water the thing, move the thing, throw something at a wall. It genuinely does not matter what it is, and it should not look like a program.

And when you come back in, the discipline: say nothing at all.

Not: it is lovely out there. Not: anybody want to come out. Not even a look at the couch. The moment there is a look, it becomes a comment, and a comment from a grandfather carries all the force of a rule and none of the right to be one.

You have one job on that Saturday, and it has never once included saying anything about who is on the couch. Psalm 78:4 gives the whole matter to showing rather than to telling, and the Spirit of God is the one who does the drawing out that no invitation could.

Do it every Saturday. It will take longer than a parent's version, because you are only there once a week. Six months is a normal number here, and you have time.